Be Infants in Evil by Brian Martin

Author:Brian Martin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2015-06-02T00:00:00+00:00

PATRICK Then how many kilojoules does it take to run, say, a fridge each day?

Beat.

HENRY That’s not fair.

PATRICK Oh do you not know the answer?

HENRY No.

PATRICK I thought you knew your kilojoules though?

HENRY Not for everything.

PATRICK Not very specific so.

HENRY That’s a stupid question.

PATRICK Ah well, second place is still good.

HENRY What’s the most popular name in the world then?

PATRICK Where did that come from?

HENRY Oh do you not know the answer?

PATRICK That question had nothing to do with the last one.

HENRY Oh well, second place is still good.

PATRICK Getting a bit competitive now are we?

HENRY No, I’m just better.

PATRICK Oh really?

HENRY Yeah.

Pause.

PATRICK ‘Mohammed’, supposedly, and come on, that was easy. See, you got me wrong HENRY: ‘useless information’ isn’t my strong point, ‘information’ is my strong point, some of which just happens to be useless.

Checkmate.

PATRICK Coffee?

HENRY (playfully) Ugh, you’re such a dick.

PATRICK Oh my word, can we keep the language civil please?

HENRY The smirk on your face.

PATRICK (relishing the glory) Milk? Sugar?

HENRY You love it, look at you.

PATRICK (innocently defensive) I just love making coffee.

HENRY Do you even know what it feels like to be wrong?

PATRICK I don’t know, you tell me.

HENRY Oh you’re such a/…

PATRICK ‘Genius’ I do believe is the correct term.

HENRY (‘Dick’ more like).

PATRICK What was that?

HENRY Milk! I said, please.

PATRICK Oh ‘milk’ was it?

HENRY Yep.

PATRICK And sugar?

HENRY No.

PATRICK To sweeten the bitterness maybe?

HENRY I quite like bitterness actually.

PATRICK Doesn’t suit you though.

HENRY Makes me look menacing.

PATRICK You look better when you smile.

A moment. the coffee is distributed.

PATRICK How’s school going?

HENRY Fine.

PATRICK Still finding it too easy?

HENRY I’m up to A-level stuff now.

PATRICK Wow, all by yourself?

HENRY I have tutors

PATRICK Tut ors?

HENRY None of them have been as good as you though.

PATRICK No?

HENRY No, they’re much younger, don’t know as much, straight from uni mostly. I even corrected my maths tutor the other day: we were doing trigonometrical functions and he was saying that cotan was sine over cosine when it’s obviously cosine over sine, idiot!

PATRICK You have a maths tutor now?

HENRY Yeah.

PATRICK As well?

HENRY Yeah.

PATRICK How many do you have?

HENRY A couple. Mum’s gone a bit mental.

PATRICK What’s all this for?

HENRY Just, end-of-year exams.

PATRICK End-of-year exams? You’ll fly through them.

HENRY Mum just wants to make sure.

PATRICK Of what?

HENRY That I’ll pass the year.

PATRICK Of course you’ll pass the year, Henry, if you’re at A-level standard?

HENRY She doesn’t know that though.

PATRICK Oh?

HENRY I tell her I’m still struggling, with school stuff.

PATRICK To keep your tutors?

HENRY I give them an extra fiver not to say anything.

PATRICK You give them a…?

HENRY They don’t care. It’s a drink to them.

PATRICK But she must see your other results, Henry.

HENRY So.

PATRICK So you’re hardly fooling her there.

HENRY I’m failing at school.

Beat.

PATRICK What? You can’t be serious? Henry… Why? For how long?

HENRY Oh I totally forgot, I got you something. (goes to his bag)

PATRICK Is this so you can keep your tutors?

HENRY I hope it’s not too wet.

PATRICK Because you should be getting special/ education really.

HENRY (about the present) It’s not too bad.

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